How do I talk to my Year 7/8/9 child about delaying a smartphones?

[.style-intro]By Year 7, smartphones are the norm. So for your child, delaying getting a smartphone might feel like being left out of their social world. That's tough, and it's okay to acknowledge that. But here's the thing: delaying can be one of the best decisions for your child's wellbeing, even if it's hard right now. With the right balance of empathy and honesty, you can help them understand why waiting is worth it – and how they can thrive in the meantime.[.style-intro]

1. Recognise how hard this feels

Start by showing that you get it:

"I know this feels unfair, especially when so many of your friends already have a smartphone. I get how much you don't want to feel left out. That's a really tough feeling, and it's okay to be upset about it. Let's talk about it together."

Acknowledging their emotions shows them that you're listening and on their side. It sets the stage for a more constructive conversation instead of a confrontation.

2. Be honest about why you're waiting

Explain your reasons clearly, framing it in terms of their wellbeing:

“Smartphones might feel like a normal part of growing up, but the truth is, they weren’t designed with kids in mind. Apps like TikTok, Snapchat, and Instagram aren’t safe spaces for young people. When these things first came out, no one really knew what kind of impact they’d have. But now we do – and we have to do better. Government regulation hasn’t caught up with tech yet, but it will. In the meantime, I want to protect you and help you grow up strong before stepping into all of that. Every family makes their own decisions, and this is the choice we believe is best for you right now.”

3. Talk about how it affects self-esteem

You might say something like:

"One of the reasons I want to wait on a smartphone is to protect how you feel about yourself. Social media and the internet are full of pictures and videos that make it look like everyone else has a perfect life or perfect appearance – but most of it isn't even real. People use filters, edits, and only show the best parts of their day, and it can make you feel like you're not good enough, even when you are.

I want you to have the chance to figure out who you really are, without constantly comparing yourself to people online. When you're not stuck in that world yet, it's easier to focus on what actually matters to you – what you enjoy, what kind of friend you want to be, what makes you feel good. That's way more valuable than likes or followers."

4. Be honest about the business model of Big Tech, and who's really benefiting

You could say something like:

"These apps might look fun, but there's a bigger story going on – and it's not fair to you.

Apps like TikTok, Snapchat and Instagram aren't designed to help you – they're designed to keep you hooked. The more time you spend scrolling, the more ads they show you, the more data they grab, and the more money they make. That's their whole business model: use your time and attention to make profit for grown-ups in Silicon Valley.

They don't care if it makes you anxious or addicted. In fact, they hire experts to make the apps harder to put down – because the longer you stay, the more money they get. You're not the customer. You're the product.

And that makes me angry. Because your time, your energy, your attention – they're yours, and they're valuable. You deserve to spend these years discovering who you are – not who an algorithm wants you to be.

That's why I want to wait. Not to punish you – but to protect you from something that's rigged against you.

And here's the cool part: when you wait, you're not just missing out – you're rebelling. You're saying: 'No thanks. I'm not letting Big Tech mess with my brain.' That's powerful."

5. Focus on what they could do instead

Highlight what they gain by not having a smartphone right now:

"Teens in the UK are spending an average of 5 hours a day on their smartphone, scrolling alone. Imagine what you could do with five extra hours every day – playing football, exploring the world, discovering what you love, drawing, reading or just hanging out with friends in person. When you don't have a smartphone pulling your attention all the time, you have way more freedom to do what you actually want to do."

6. Emphasize the harms without scaring them

It's okay to be upfront about the risks, as long as you balance it with reassurance and honesty. You might say:

"There are also bigger dangers that come with smartphones that most people don't talk about. Young people can be exposed to really harmful stuff – like people pretending to be someone they're not, trying to manipulate or groom kids. There are scams designed to trick people into sharing private photos and then blackmailing them, which is called sextortion. It's terrifying, and sadly, it's happening more and more.

There's also toxic content that promotes eating disorders, self-harm, or hateful ideas about women and girls. Some of it is hidden in jokes or memes, but it's designed to slowly pull people in. It can warp how you see your body, your worth, or your place in the world – and that's not okay.

And a lot of what's out there is violent or sexual, and not made for kids or teens. Even if you don't go looking for it, it can find you. Once you've seen some of that stuff, you can't unsee it. And it can change how you think about yourself and other people in ways that aren't healthy."

You can bring it back to reassurance and connection:

"I'm not telling you this to scare you – I'm telling you because I care. You deserve to grow up with space to figure out who you are, without this stuff getting in your head too early. One day you'll be ready to deal with it – but there's no rush to jump into that world now. When the time comes, I want to help you feel confident and safe, not overwhelmed or unsure."

7. Talk about independence with alternatives

For many Year 7 and 8 kids, the smartphone is about feeling independent and connected. Offer ways to meet those needs without diving into the smartphone world.

A simple phone or smartwatch: "We could get you a phone that lets you text or call your friends and us, without all the distractions of apps and games."

More freedom: "If we wait on the smartphone, we can explore other ways of giving you more independence, like letting you hang out with friends more in real life, going to the cinema or the park, or just walking to school on your own."

8. Frame it as a superpower

Explain to your child that not having a smartphone can actually make them stand out in a positive way. You might say something like:

"Did you know that teachers often notice that kids without smartphones do better? They can have actual face-to-face conversations and concentrate on their learning. Not having a phone right now can actually give you an edge – it's like a superpower in a world where everyone else is sucked into a screen."

Reframing it this way can help your child feel more confident about waiting, rather than seeing it as a disadvantage.

9. Emphasize the value of real-life connections

Help your child understand how important it is to build connections and social skills in real life. You could say:

"Spending time with your friends in person is one of the best things you can do right now. Hanging out face-to-face teaches you how to have conversations, communicate well and understand people's feelings. These are things that will help you for the rest of your life."

Encourage them to focus on the value of real-world interactions and remind them that these moments create memories and experiences that can't be replaced by anything on a screen.

Plus, being with your mates in real life helps you build memories that last way longer than a quick photo or message. Delaying a smartphone means you get to enjoy more of those moments without interruptions.

10. Reflect on how you use your phone

Kids notice everything, including how you use your own phone. Be honest about your own habits, and commit to making changes together:

"You know, I've realised I spend a lot of time on my phone too. Sometimes it distracts me from things that are more important, like spending time with you. How about we work on this as a team? I can try to put my phone away during dinner or when we're hanging out, and you can help me stick to it."

When they see you leading by example, it's easier for them to understand how smartphones can take over your time – and how to set healthy boundaries when they do eventually have one.

11. Revisit the decision together

Reassure your child that this isn't a forever decision:

"Let's talk about this again in six months. Between now and then, we can figure out what rules we'd want to have in place when the time comes for a smartphone. That way, when we do decide you're ready, you'll know how to use it in a way that's fun and safe."

–––

Delaying a smartphone in Year 7 or 8 isn't easy, but it's one of the best things you can do for your child's long-term wellbeing. With empathy, clear explanations, and a focus on connection, you can help your child see that waiting is worth it – and that you're here to support them every step of the way.